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rosie framedWe’ve got two related problems in this world regarding sex education; too darn little accurate information, and too darn much inaccurate information. They are both equally harmful. Before we get down to the accurate information, let’s clear away some of the misconceptions clouding our social consciousness:  

1. Simultaneous Orgasm Is Best

Both partners achieving orgasm at the same time is not the holy grail of sex. On the contrary; it’s a romanticized ideal that puts unrealistic pressure on couples, inflicting needless tension and disappointment when it’s not achieved.

The truth is that for the most part, it’s just not physiologically probable that two different people will reach orgasm at the same time on a frequent basis. Taking turns concentrating on each other’s pleasure and comfortably allowing each party to reach orgasm in their own timing is much more likely to yield good, satisfying, orgasmic sex.

 2. A Great Male Lover Can Keep An Erection Indefinitely

Satisfying male-female or male-male sex is not dependent on the male partner(s) maintaining an erection. Not only is this is an unfair, entirely unrealistic, and frankly nerve-wracking burden to place on men, but it often does not tally with what actually brings sexual pleasure and orgasm to either party. Oral sex and manual stimulation are generally more central to female orgasm - and often to male orgasm as well.  

So please guys, take a deep breath, drop that weight off your shoulders, and relax about erections as the source of your partners orgasms. They’re part of the journey and the fun, not the make-or-break golden key to success! 

3. It All Leads Up To Intercourse

lesbian kiss softThere is no Official Rule of Sex decreeing that penile/vaginal intercourse is either the definition or the main goal of partner sex. Pleasure, intimacy, and usually, orgasm are. Some people prefer other forms of sexual activity. Some people don’t like intercourse at all. Many women achieve orgasm exclusively through oral or manual sex.  

Don’t let anyone impose a limited version of “normal sexual behavior” on your love life. Define your sexuality - don’t let it be defined for you. It’s too important a piece of your Self to give away. 

4. Sex Just Happens Naturally

“Sex is instinctual - just let it happen”. Oh the river of grief these words have caused! 

True, instinct is a part of human sexual expression. But a large component of partner sex is based on learning, communication and skill. Experience, shared information and gathered awareness gradually teach us how to fulfill the needs of both our partners and ourselves in a fluent dance of give and take. As we learn to perform this intimate duet, most of us can use all the help we can get from whatever cultural teaching resources are available; educational texts, information sharing with experienced friends and mentors, instructional videos, etc.  

5. There Are Two Kinds Of Female Orgasm - "Vaginal" and "Clitoral" - and The Vaginal Kind Is Superior

Victorians informed us that women are not orgasmic at all. Freudians convinced us that while women may be orgasmic, “clitoral orgasms” are immature and only “vaginal” orgasms, resulting strictly from male penetration, are psychologically healthy. Thus was born the catastrophic Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm. Generations of women were doomed to think of themselves as inadequate or “frigid” because they did not have “vaginal orgasms” during penile thrusting. It took the exhaustive efforts of sex researchers during the second half of the Twentieth Century to finally clarify the issue; there is only one female genital orgasm, and it originates in the clitoral erectile tissue.     

Q. So why does it feel like I’m having a “Vaginal orgasm?” 

A. The clitoris is a large organ.  Sometimes an orgasm is centered more in the clitoral tissue of the Bulbs of the Vestibule region (the internal clitoris) than the head, crura and shaft (the external clitoris). These former surround the vaginal canal and orgasms centered in this area can be inaccurately interpreted as a “vaginal”, because the Bulbs surround the upper vaginal canal. These Vestibule Bulb orgasms may also involve activity in the clitoral shaft, and head, while orgasms of the external clitoris may not appear to significantly involve the Bulbs. This can give the impression of two different kinds of orgasm, but the originating source is consistently the tissue of the clitoris.  

Q. My boyfriend only likes screwing. He doesn’t touch my pussy and thinks I’m a freak because I want my clit rubbed, but I can’t make it otherwise. He says his dick tugs my labium lips and that rubs my clit hood over my pearl, which should give me a proper climax. Is there something wrong with me?  

CLITA. No, there’s nothing wrong with you. “Proper climax” my rosy red ass! 

The penis and the clitoris are very much the same organ sexually – they are both the bodies primary orgasm triggers, with the vast majority of their luscious, orgasmic nerve endings located in their tip or head. During vaginal/penile sex, your boyfriend is getting direct penile head stimulation, while your clitoris is not. Insisting that having your labia tugged during intercourse should satisfy you is tantamount to suggesting that he be content with having his scrotum yanked to achieve sexual satisfaction. Perhaps you should suggest this more equal exchange and see how gratifying he finds it.  

Clearly you need direct clitoral stimulation. Your misinformed boyfriend should affirm your sexual needs and respond graciously to them, not try and tell you how you should or should not feel and react. If he can’t do better than this, I’m sure you can do better - with a different partner. 

6. Clitoral Size, Shape and Position Aren't Factors During Vaginal/Penile Penetration

They certainly are! How large a woman's clitoris is, where it is located in relation to the vaginal entrance, the shape and tightness of the lips in relationship to the clitoral head, can all influence the amount of erotic clitoral stimulation a woman receives during penetration.

7. The Passive Feminine

Pasha: “I am not a passive hole that’s penetrated by a man’s cock, electrified by some Pavlovian response to his dick. When I am aroused I envelope his cock with my vulva, grasping and directing my lover with sensitive, muscular waves of vulvar movements.”  

Amy Schumer: "Men, you are not penetrating me with your penis. I am enveloping you with my vagina."

Men are not the active party that initiates and leads during sex any more than women are passive princesses waiting for men to open a magic door and bring them to erotic life with their touch and their penis. During hetero sex, women and men are equal partners who get the most out of their exchange when both parties actualize their full potential to give and receive. Too many people are handicapped by a concept of sex that burdens men with the active role while repressing women’s capacity to galvanize their muscles and passions. We end up unfulfilled and feeling used, bored, or frustrated, because our sexual expression is stuck in this destructive rut of gender stereotyping.  

8. Men Don’t Want Intimacy

In the same vein, the unfeeling, macho ‘male role’ forced on men by our society devastates men’s ability to feel, need, and express genuine intimacy, stripping relationships of the dimension and emotional connections that make them fulfilling and rich. Men, women and intersex people all long for tenderness, passion, vulnerability, and the right to express their full range of emotions without fear or censure. 

9. Women Don’t Like Sex As Much As Men Do

The destructive prevalence of this myth is fueled by the many world cultures that are ignorant or suppressive of female sexuality. When women are well informed about their genuine sexual functioning, secure that they can control conception, and affirmed as sexual beings, they like sex at least as much as men do. Many studies indicate that women have a far greater sexual capacity than men because they often don’t require a refractory period after orgasm and can continue sexual activity indefinitely. 

First Do No Harm

Partner sex is a delicate exchange between two inherently vulnerable people sharing body and soul together on a very deep level. Never underestimate the risk of one or both parties getting hurt, however lightly you approach the relationship. There are emotional consequences to any sexual encounter. The more caringly you conduct yourself toward your partner, the happier you will both be.

 No, you needn't be committed, in love, or any more emotionally involved than you wish to be. You're completely entitled to your boundaries and limitations - as long as you're honest about them. Never pretend to have feelings that you don’t have, or tell someone you love them when it’s not true.  However, when you partner with another person sexually, you owe it to them -and to yourself- to honor each other's body and spirit by being respectful and considerate. Before any other consideration, you owe it to the relationship to do no harm.

If you can't do this much, then you're essentially using your partner as an objectified sex-toy. People are not toys; they can’t be fixed or discarded if they get broken. If this is where you’re at, masturbate instead! Then you can be as self-centered and self-indulgent as you want. That's fine when you’re flying solo.

But don't kid yourself about partner sex. It’s intimate stuff that has emotional consequences which you need to be sensitive to. If you’re not ready to accept this responsibility, then you're really not ready to share intimacy with a partner.

Some people treat sex like a drunken binge, pretending that it provides a forum to be selfish and self-indulgent. Others rationalize shoddy treatment of their partner with shallow catechisms: "I don't want to give the wrong impression. It's not like I want to be involved with them", "It's just recreational sex", or "I didn't make any promises.” While all of these are legitimate standpoints, none of them are excuses to callously injure another person’s psyche with careless behavior!

 Here are three classic examples of what not to do:

File:Male to male kiss scene from The Cell.jpgBeryl: "When I took off my clothes, he looked me over and verbally evaluated my body; nice ass, breasts too small, belly not toned enough. I felt like the parts of me which he didn't approve of weren’t worth touching. In fact, that's just what I felt like: body parts. Like I'd been butchered".

Jorge: "I did everything I could to give her a great orgasm with oral sex. Then she rolled over and started watching television, ignoring me while I lay there completely frustrated." 

 Loraine: "He was inside me; I opened from my core. Then after he came he got right up and walked out the door with a casual 'later'. I felt humiliated and worthless".

Behavior like this toward your lover is unacceptable in any sexual relationship. Partner sex entails taking care of your partner’s wellbeing, as well as your own. Whether your partnering includes sharing a single encounter, or is the deep expression of a lifetime together, it should affirm both your souls, not cause psychic wounds.  

Treat each other's hearts gently.  


Boundaries: No is as Important Yes
Sometimes we spend so much time unlearning negative social messages about sex in order to say yes to sexual feelings that we forget saying no is just as important. Respecting boundaries – your own, and your partners - is crucial. Sex without the capacity to communicate what you don’t want is an emotional and physical ordeal.

Q&A with Shain Stodt: Know Yourself, Love Your Self
. Is it unusual to have had many lovers but only have had vaginal/penile sex with a few of them? The truth is I experience vaginal penetration as being entered in a very intimate way and only desire it with partners I’m very serious about. After all, when my uterus tents to make space for a penis it’s toknow yourself enhance conception, a profound feeling. I don’t get this feeling during oral sex or mutual masturbation, and I don’t want to experience it with someone I’m just being frisky with.  Not that I mean I don’t want penetration with someone unless conception is involved; I’ve had my share of it and haven’t chosen to be pregnant yet. But it feels private and sacred in a different way to let someone into my body. Is this weird or selfish? 

. No it is NOT - it’s called Knowing Your Self, and it’s a Very Good Thing. It is letting someone in on a very deep level
physically and emotionally to have them inside your vagina, and in so many ways it’s a vulnerable act. The vaginal canal is highly susceptible to STI’s. Our G-spot and the cervix- the entrance to our womb- as well as the fornix and the Bulbs of the Vestibule, are powerful erotic and emotional focal points inside the vaginal canal. It can result in conception and if chosen, the co-creation of a child. For these reasons and others personal to each of us individually, choosing to share this experience with only the right person is wise.  There are no ‘shoulds’ about our sexual choices. Each person is different, and the only real guidelines for sexual conduct are being comfortable, supportive, and honest with yourself and your partner. If your partner is not happy with your boundaries and values, they have the option to move on.

Q. My partner really enjoys playing with my breasts. I hate it, always have, particularly sucking. I feel fraught and put upon it by it, but I also feels like I should allow it and pretend to enjoy it - because aren’t boobs a big thing to men (okay, women, too?) 

. Some women enjoy having their breasts erotically stimulated, and some don’t. Don't be a victim of sexual stereotypes: it's a plain fact that not all women enjoy breast stimulation and apparently you are one of them. Having your breasts touched is a question of individual taste, and entirely up to you. If you dislike breast stimulation, be absolutely clear with your partner that you don’t want it. Don’t pretend: nothing is more pernicious to a relationship.  On the other hand, take care not to make him feel badly because he does enjoy breast-play. There is no right, wrong, or blame involved here; only honest communication, so that you can be comfortable together. Sexuality is individual and unique; we each define our wants. Knowing and accepting our boundaries and our partner’s boundaries is part of the privilege and intimacy of a satisfying sexual relationship.     gay guy

I’m a gay guy who doesn’t like anal sex. Doesn’t feel good, don’t want it done to me, period, thank you very much for the offer. I’m
 cool with oral. Thing is I get a lot of pressured to do anal. Like -
”if you love me you’d want me”, “don’t you want me to feel good,
baby?”, “oh come on, relax and it will feel good”.  Well it doesn’t feel good, and I’m tired of the pressure. Also I’m kind of feminine, which seems to reinforce some Neanderthal concept that I’m supposed to be dying for a dong in the butt.  
So is it crazy for a gay dude not to want anal sex? Do I need therapy? 

A. O
f course not. Many people - women, men, intersex, gay, straight – don’t like an object of any kind placed in their bum. It’s a
question of personal preference. And that is all there is to it. No one should try to con, pressure, or manipulate you into any sexual activity that you don’t want. If they wish to gain the privilege of your partnership, they’d better get that clear – or get gone.
 Our Communication chapter delves into some exercises to help you get a handle on defining your personal space with a partner.

A Special Note about Boundaries to Transgender People before and after Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS)
Being in a body that’s anatomically out- of- whack with your feelings, needs, and self-concept is excruciating. Prior to SRS It is crucial that you recognize and accept the importance and validity of your feelings and articulate them clearly - to yourself, and when sharing your body with a partner. For example, if you’re a man in a woman’s body, then having female breasts may feel wrong and you may not want your partner touching them. Likewise, if you’re a man in a woman’s body, you may not want anybody inside your vagina.  

Explain this patiently to your lover. Never be guilted, coerced, or manipulated into having a form of sex that you’re not comfortable with. Demarcate and respect your sexuality.

 After SRS you may face specific partnering, medical, anatomical and body image issues. Your new vaginal canal may be too shallow and tight; your new penis may seem too small. See the Transgender section of LGBTQQI (under Identity) for an in-depth discussion of these and other concerns.

Allow Yourself to Evolve
Just as you need to respect your current boundaries, also allow yourself the flexibility to change them if your desires evolve in new directions. We’re changeable beings. Sometimes an activity or aspect of sex that repelled you at the beginning of a relationship allures you during a later stage of sexual involvement. My approach: never force change, and always accept it if it occurs naturally.

Steamy Language!
As a kid watching television with my grandmother, I noticed whenever someone on the box used a slang word pertaining to sex or bodily functions she would sit up and indignantly exclaim “such language!” It seemed there was no greater moral offence than uttering these words. They drew far more violent condemnation from her than images of war, starvation, or national tragedies. 

After I matured physically I heard these words hissed at me on the street by leering, predatory older men. Words conveying profound disrespect for me and poignant self-loathing and contempt for the sexual arousal they appeared to feel at the sight of my developing body. As with my grandmother, it seemed no other words were so degraded in human eyes– or hit such a central nerve!  Message received: sex and the body are dirty, feared – and desired. 

As I became sexually active I was so relieved to learn a whole different approach to these words existed, adopted by people who were positive about sex and used them playfully, lovingly. I did not have to say “I feel adequately lubricated and aroused; I want to contain your penis inside my vaginal canal now”. Instead I could create a much more fun, personal, hot vocabulary with my lover, free of negative connotations. Since then I’ve had dozens of conversations with people who’ve had similar experiences:

Q. My partner told me he wants me to get him hot by talking when we’re in bed. I’m totally stymied – what am I supposed to do, say “Ooooh, baby, my throbbing hot pussy is aching for your huge cock – make me cum!” That is so not me.  Should I fake it? ~Lilliana 

. No. If you decide to verbalize – and only do so if you want to - be yourself. Just describe how you genuinely feel and what you want in your own words. Anything more would be false to you. Sharing how you feel verbally can be a vulnerable place to be, but it can also open up a new level of closeness and passion.

. When I first starting having sex (many a year ago) I hated words like pussy, cunt, etc. I associated them with men objectifying and putting women down, calling us hateful names, implying our sex organs are filthy. That’s definitely how I heard them used by the men – and some women -in my sphere.

In time I found myself gravitating towards using some of those words; flinching at first, and then fiercely, as an act of reclaiming. But I’m still edgy about it, and I listen carefully to how my partners use these words because I never want to cross over into a demeaning exchange with them.

I’d like to have more fun and stop feeling so guarded, but I can’t help it. Do you think I’m too hesitant and moralistic about “talking dirty”?  ~Bonnie 

A. No, Bonnie, I don’t. We hesitate to “talk dirty” because we don’t want to feel inwardly degraded when we express ourselves in graphic language.  Accepting that whatever verbal boundaries that feel right to you are okay is the first step to having more relaxed fun with sex talk.  You don't ever have to use any words you don't want to. That means you have to clarify your boundaries. What verbally turns you on and what puts you off.  As for the words themselves, there is really no word that’s innately bad. It’s how words are used, and how we feel about them, that count. Trust yourself and your instincts about this one. Give yourself permission to use any old words that make you hot; you are not using them in the negative context you originally heard them in - you are giving them a meaning of your own.  Those creeps who used sexual words hatefully don’t deserve to keep owning this part of you. Kick them out of your head and your bed - and cut loose!

Sex Toys
Good quality sex toys can greatly enhance sexual pleasure, and integrating them into a sexual partnership can be fun and rewarding. You can also use your imagination to make your own sex toys! Like carving dildos out of different kinds of vegetables, or using different textures and materials to caress and stroke your body. More about this in the Joys of Toys.


Two Indispensable Tips for Partnering

 1. Use a Good Water-based Lubricant
here is almost always a time during any given love-making session that lubricant will come in handy. A grip made more sensuous; penetration/envelope made smoother and more gratifying; a fit found that was elusive before. Be prepared: keep a trusty bottle available.

. Women and Men have Different Orgasm Requisites

Men generally reach an arousal plateau after which orgasm is virtually inevitable and further stimulation not is required to cum. In contrast, women require continuous stimulation until their orgasm is finished.

When my lover is inside me and we’re both moving towards a climax, he does the most frustrating thing: he completely breaks rhythm and stops moving, or moves erratically, right before his ejaculation. It breaks my rhythm and impedes my orgasm. I have told him this is a problem for me but he says he can’t help it. There’s got to be a better way. ~ Antonia 

You’re dealing with a common issue that pertains to a basic difference in female and male sexual functioning:  Men have a “Point of No Return” (PONR) after which orgasm triggers without stimulation, and some men need or prefer a complete or partial cessation of thrusting movements at this point. Women DON’T have a PONR and require steady stimulation until the conclusion of their orgasm. Neither party is at fault here. It’s just a physiological difference that you need to be aware of and patiently work out together. You have options. Here’s one:  make sure that you have an orgasm first so that you are not utterly frustrated and can give him a moment to pause when he needs it. When he stops moving/changes his pattern for orgasm, keep stimulating your own clitoris. After his orgasm, continue until you’ve had another orgasm yourself.


     Getting Naked
File:Nude 04.jpgDon’t neglect the opportunity to make unclothing a delightful facet of your love play. The act of stripping off your clothes before your lover, or of removing each other’s clothing, can be exceedingly erotic. When you fantasize about unclothing with a lover, what does it evoke in you? 

Zoe: “When I strip for a partner, it’s freeing. “Here I am! I love my body and I’m sharing this splendor with you!” I know that sounds narcissistic but skin is so beautiful, the naked body is so pure and miraculous, it’s not meant to be covered – it’s meant to be shown and adored. It’s like my skin takes a breath, smiles and goes “aaahhhhhh” with pleasure. And when my partners bare themselves, I feel filled to overflowing with awe over their beauty revealed!” 
File:World Naked Bike Ride participant San Francisco.jpg
Tollie: “I am quite shy about my body. Stripping off my clothes means stripping off my defenses. I’m making myself naked on every level. It’s very personal and private, and I tremble with secret pleasure when my partner slowly undresses me, button by button, the removal of each garment handled with tender care. I feel protected and safe with the One I’ve chosen to share this special intimacy with, and the passion is very intense.” 

: “This may sound strange because I’m a nudist but nothing gets me more excited than the languorous revelation of flesh. My lover and I put clothing on in order to take it off for each other. Flowing scarves, silks, sparkling drapes – we disappear under them and then gradually emerge, pulsating. My oh my oh my. It’s ‘look but don’t touch’ until the whole sweet package is unwrapped.” 

: “Things were getting stale in the bedroom between my husband and me. We were starting to think that our best bed
days had passed. Middle- aged doldrums, you know. Depressing. Then one night my husband brought me into the living room and sat me on our old couch. He dimmed the lights and then he blew my mind –he stripped for me! He was really passionate, totally involved in every moment, every undulating movement emitting this exultant animal heat – oh man it was HOT! I actually howled with desire! Since then we’ve opened a new chapter on sexual adventures in our lives.”

Ren: “When I take off my cover of clothing with another person, I’m extending my nakedness and trust as a gift and reverent prayer. It feels like an offering. I always slow down and enter a mind-space where the act of unclothing takes on a sense of a sacred ritual, of spiritual dance.” 

Erik: “The main thing I feel is a tender compassion for the courageous trust we extend each other, and the frailty and loveliness of our bodies.”


Genital Manual Stimulation 
Safer Sex tools: Gloves, finger condoms (cots)

   Image: G.dallorto

A great way to learn about manual stimulation with
your partner is to watch each other masturbate.



vulva external

clit internalThe Fabulous Clitoris    

The clitoris is the most sensitive and sexually responsive part of the female body. Its sole purpose is to ensure that women have orgasms – lots of orgasms. Packed with nerve receptors, it is capable of virtually endless pleasure. 

Try these clitoral stimulation techniques and see what works: 

~Rhythmic flicking, rubbing and caressing of the head in an up and down polishing motion  

~Circling on and around stroking up and down the head, shaft and crura (crus) with a well lubricated finger or two fingers  

~Gently rubbing and pressing the head and exposed shaft between thumb and forefinger  

Ask your partner to tell you what she enjoys and what she does not, and what might feel better - increased or decreased pressure, or more or less speed? Being touched somewhere else simultaneously?
vag canalInside the Vaginal Canal
The internal structure of the vaginal canal is comprised of strong curving muscle covered by an outer sheath of mucosal tissue. Within it are different areas with varying degrees of sensitivity to contact. The lower third near the vaginal entrance, surrounded by the Clitoral Vestibule Bulbs, has a concentration of nerve endings; the fornix at the top tents to expand for deeper penetration and some women enjoy having this filled. The cervix, or entrance to the womb, is a sensitive little bump on the upper back wall. The G-spot is a spongy, rough-feeling patch which is attached to clitoral nerves that is a source of intense orgasms for some women. 

The G-Spot
WebMD Health News"17th-century, Dutch physician Regnier de Graaf described "female ejaculation" and referred to an erogenous zone in the vagina that he linked with the male prostate; this zone was later reported by the German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg. The term "G-Spot" was coined by Addiego et al. in 1981, named after Gräfenberg. Gräfenberg stated, "'An erotic zone always could be demonstrated on the anterior wall of the vagina along the course of the urethra.'"  -Wikipedia

"The elusive G-spot has been called the UFO of gynecology -- but now a retired surgeon says he has photographic proof it exists."The alleged G-spot is a tiny bunch-of-grapes-like structure within a bluish sac buried deep within the front wall of the vagina, says Adam Ostrzenski, MD, PhD, of St. Petersburg, Fla."'As an erectile body, this structure is causing elevation of the [front of the] vaginal wall at the beginning of the sexual excitement,"' Ostrzenski tells WebMD.
- April 25, 2012, Daniel J. DeNoon 

Your partners’ feedback when you touch her is your roadmap for pleasuring her G-Spot. Hand and finger movements that may be arousing include:

 ~A “come hither” gesture with the fore and middle fingers, palm up, against the G-spot 

~ Rhythmic thrusting into the G-spot 

~Rhythmic thrusting in and upward toward the fornix 

~ Very light circling around and across the cervix 

Does your partner like one finger or two, or perhaps a dildo used like a penis inside her vagina? Does she like rapid manual penetration, or slow? A pattern of acceleration and decrease? Ask her to teach you!  

Give your partner your complete attention and receptiveness. Watch her breathing, body tension, movement responses and skin color changes for clues as to what is arousing her  – and what is not. Listen to her sounds and hear her words.  











The Sensational Penis

cockPlace your hand around the base of your partner’s penile shaft in a gentle thumb-opposing grip, and rhythmically milk up and down the shaft and over the coronal ridge and head (glans). Does your partner like a gently squeeze around his glans? Start with a light touch and gradually increase pressure and speed. Don’t forget to use lube!

Many men prefer a somewhat firmer grip going up the shaft and a more relaxed grip going down, but you must learn what pleasures your partner by asking and observing.  

As your partner grows more aroused, he may want you to accelerate the rhythmic speed of your grip and caress – but again, his feedback in body language and words will cue you here.

Asio: There something about a loose grip that lifts the skin with it and a bump against my coronal ridge at the top of the stroke that I just luuuuv.” 

Down Under
Some men also enjoy have their testicles held, fondled, cradled, rubbed, and palpitated:  

Cory: “I loved attention lavished on my testicles. Especially a pulsing squeeze with one cupping hand, really taking their weight like a breast, while the other hand squeezes and milks my shaft and the tip of my penis. I like a slow-fast-slow rhythm until the end, when I need my dick pulled like taffy.”

 Francis: “My balls are as sensitive as my penis. I like to feel the testes rolled in their scrotal sack like two warm dice in the palm of my lovers’ hand, and squeezed (like you test the ripeness of fruit) when I’m ready to cum.” 

Oral Sex
 suck balls     
Drawings: "Wiki-cunnilingus" by Seedfeeder - Own work by uploader. All original non-derivative.. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Wiki-cunnilingus.png#/media/File:Wiki-cunnilingus.png 

Oral Sex for Women (Cunnillingus)

Safer Sex Tool: Dam


Dyanai: “My clit is like a cock: it gets swollen, hot and hard. During oral I love having my clit head flicked back and forth with the quick tongue and then deep sucking that includes the head and shaft.”  

For the majority of women pleasure from genital oral sex is mainly centered on oral play with the clitoral shaft and head, with forays to the sensitive crura inside the labia majora.  

To access the outcrop of the clitoris, feel the length of the shaft and the pearl-like bulb of the clitoral head with your lips and tongue. You can either manually retract the clitoral hood to expose the head for pleasuring, or leave the clitoral hood in place and work through it. It depends on what your partner is comfortable with. 

Some pleasuring techniques to experiment with are:
~With your tongue, circle repeatedly around the head of the clitoris and then the shaft
~Flick the tongue lightly back and forth or up and down across the head
~Lick up and down the shaft
~Suck on the clitoral head and shaft, starting light and gradually deepening your pull

~Suck on the crura, starting light and gradually deepening your pull  

Attunement to your partner’s body language and verbal cues are essential. Ask your partner to tell you what feels good where and when. 

clit tipTIP: Many women have an area on their clitoral head (glans or tip) that is particularly sensitive to stimulation. Try thinking of the head (glans clitoris) in four quarters and explore each section for a
special sweet spot.

Pictured: Head (glans) of the clitoris.

Be patient and giving. Oral sex is the erotic activity that gives the most women the greatest pleasure, but - it’s an epicurean feast, not quickly-consumed fast food. It takes time to enjoy properly.   

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fb/Wiki-fellatio-2009-25-09.pngOral Sex for Men (Fellatio)
Safer Sex tool: A male condom

Think of a man’s genitals as a warm popsicle with a candy sack. The head, the corona, the shaft, and the testicles all crave artful attention. Some classic pleasuring methods to explore are:

~Flicking, and sucking the head with your tongue
~Tracing around the corona in circles
~Giving the shaft long licks and deep rhythmic sucking
~Gently cupping, sucking, and licking the testicles

 If your partner is lying on his back with his thighs apart, help him relax his inner thigh muscles with light stroking. See if he likes his buttocks clasped, squeezed, or caressed.  Tune into his breathing, sounds and body language. These will give you clues as to what pleases him. But don’t expect yourself to intuitively anticipate all his desires; ask him to tell you what feels good to him.  

Jorge: “Robust sucking and tongue flicking, especially to my tip and then the top third of my penis, is what takes me there. When I’m near cumming, I want a finger thrusting against my prostate, exactly like a dick moves”. 

When Partners Don’t Want to Swallow Sperm
Men, even if you are positive that you are both STD free and so don’t need to use a condom to protect both parties, keep in mind that lots of people just don’t like to swallow raw sperm. Understand that this is a personal preference - it doesn’t mean that they don’t enjoy sex with you, love you, or that they think you taste bad. Make them comfortable by accepting their choice gracefully. Keeping a cup by the bed that they can spit into isn’t a bad idea.

I just don’t like oral sex with my boyfriend. I feel like I’m strangling on his penis – I literally gag. I don’t like the taste of sperm, and I hate swallowing it. But I love getting oral sex! So I keep bucking up and enduring doing what I hate, because it seems only fair. It’s reaching the point where I dread this conflict enough that I may have to discontinue the sexual part of our relationship, although I care for him very much and generally love (other parts of) sex with him. ~ Shannon 

You should never do anything you don’t wholeheartedly enjoy during sex. It should bring you pleasure, not stress. Lots of people don’t like tasting or swallowing sperm. It’s a question of individual preference, and it’s totally fine to have yours. An easy solution: use a condom. It’s safer to use a condom anyway, and you can even use a flavored one if you like. This solves the issue of taste and swallowing. Be sure to use a thin, high sensitivity condom so that he can enjoy the nuances of your administrations.

As to the gagging; do not take any more of his penis into your mouth than you are comfortable with, and keep his penis away from the gag reflex located at the back of your throat. The first third of the penis has the largest concentration of nerves and is the most arousing area to concentrate on during fellatio anyway. Focus any deep sucking on this area, while licking and suckling along the base of the shaft without swallowing it into your mouth and throat.

It’s your body and your sex life. Let it be a source of joy and energy, not conflict and dread.

Analingus (Oral-Anal Sex)
Safer Sex tool: Dam or Regular Saran Wrap 

 anal oral

TIP: Because of the potential for fecal bacterial infection, it’s always healthier to use a dam during analingus. Make sure the anus is comfortably lubricated before placing a dam over it - or lubricate the side of the dam which touches the anus.

Oral stimulation of the anus can be highly pleasurable. The anal opening and the sphincter – a strong band of muscles encircling the anal entrance - are full of responsive nerves that love gentle attention. 

Pleasuring techniques to explore include: 

~Circling the tongue around the anus, starting wide and circling in

~Flicking the tongue swiftly back and forth across the anal surface

~Inserting the tongue in and out of the surface entrance 

Ask your partner to tell you what pleases them. Pay attention to their body language and verbal cues – what do they communicate about their responses to your touch? 

Gale: “I love the warmth of a wet tongue through the smooth creamy surface of a dam, circling and darting in and out of my anus. With just a touch of lube on my dam.  


Anal Manual and Penile Penetration/Envelopment

Safer Sex tool: Gloves, condoms

anal sex picture

Tip: Unlike the vaginal canal, the anus and rectum are not very elastic.  Their tissue membranes are thin, making it imperative to be gentle during penetration and to use lots of anal lubricant.  Anal lubricant is manufactured to be extra thick in order to provide protection for these very delicate tissues. Never insert an object that is too large, causing pain and potential tearing. 

Easy, Gently, Slowly Does It
If anal penetration/envelopment is new to you or your partner, gradually expanding the rectums' capacity to stretch is the way to go. Start by inserting a small dildo, finger, anal plug, or pleasure object, and allow the anus to become entirely relaxed and comfortable before moving the finger and anus together in a sexual rhythm. This may take several sessions to work up to. When you or your partner is completely relaxed and comfortable, you can try gradually increasing the size of the plug, dildo, or the number of fingers you’ve inserted until you’ve reached the size desired.

If and when you’re ready to try penile insertion, move very gently, with plenty of lubrication. 

I repeat: never insert an object that is too large, causing pain and potential tearing. 

 File:Wiki-pegging.pngQ. “My partner of ten years saw your section on sex-roles and confessed to me that he’s always wanted to play a “traditional girl” in bed.  Flowing clothes, soft-gestures, anal penetration in the missionary position. I asked him if he really wants to be with another man, but he says he wants me to play the man and use a strap-on dildo. 

We’ve had a pretty traditional sex-role relationship for a long time, so this came as a surprise to say the least. I’m of two minds about it; kind of turned-on and excited, but also scared. Isn’t this abnormal? Do these desires mean he’s really gay”? ~Gina 

A. Relax, Gina. Role-reversals are fun and liberating. They allow us to explore our rich human nature and become more whole as human beings. 

There is nothing abnormal or unusual about your partner’s desires. Lots of men have similar passions. Just enjoy that excitement you feel about exploring this new space together.

Using a strap-on dildo takes a little practice. A couple of things for the two of you to keep in mind: 

1. Make sure the harness is snug enough to hold the dildo firmly in place (try it on before purchasing it). 

2. Don’t start with a large dildo, which could hurt your partner. In fact, if he’s not used to anal penetration, don’t start with a dildo at all. Use your finger, first one, than two, until his anus becomes accustomed to penetration. This also gives you a good opportunity to locate his prostate, which for many guys is the “male G-spot” and intensely sensitive to stimulation. 

I’m glad your partner is opening up and seeking to infuse your sexual relationship with new ideas and energy. I hope you keep traveling in fun, erotic new directions together. 

Penile Envelopment / Vaginal Penetration

Safer Sex tools: Male or female condoms, topical microbicide/spermicide

Tip: Angles May Matter

Each woman’s vagina has different areas of pleasure and sensitivity. The angle of penile entry may make a big difference in her pleasure and comfort.

“When I have vaginal sex, I am not being passively penetrated. I am actively enveloping and holding my partner. It’s an equally dynamic exchange.” ~Savon

To comfortably envelop a penetrating object the vagina must be aroused, relaxed, and well lubricated. Never force envelopment before this point. When the vagina is truly ready, penetration feels easy. 

Lubricate, lubricate, lubricate

During their menstrual years women secrete a natural lubrication when sexually aroused, but it is still not uncommon for fertile women to need additional lubrication from an artificial source in order to comfortably enjoy intercourse. For pre- and post- menstrual women, who often secrete little or no lubrication, it’s an absolute necessity. So be prepared: find a lovely, water-based lubricant at an adult store or pharmacy to keep on hand. Any safety barriers you use, such as female or male condoms, should also be lubricated.  

Movement: Rhythm not Friction 

Most people don’t enjoy friction during penile/vaginal intercourse. “Having good rhythm” usually refers to finding a rhythmic movement pattern together that stimulates both partners and avoids friction or abrasive motion. Coordinating your breathing patterns with your movements and relaxing your pelvis is the first step to finding harmonious rhythm. Remember that when you are partnering, you must work together. It’s like dancing; surrender to the flow of leading, following, sharing, and listening to each other’s bodies 

The G-Spot

http://informedaboutsex.com/imgE1.gif1: fallopian tube, 2: bladder, 3: pubic bone, 4: g-spot, 5: clitoris, 6: urethra, 7: vagina, 8: ovary, 9: sigmoid colon, 10: uterus,   11: fornix, 12: cervix, 13: rectum, 14: anus On this chart of the internal female sexual and reproductive system, the G-Spot (4) is located one to three inches into the vaginal canal (7), next to the urethra (6) and the urinary bladder (2).

G-spot arousal and orgasm comes from direct and sustained rhythmic stimulation of the specific spot. It may result in an exceptionally intense orgasm accompanied by varying degrees of secreted fluid.

Positions for Reaching the G-Spot
During vaginal intercourse with a penis or strap-on, it can be easier to find the G-spot in certain positions. Some good positions for locating the G-spot with a penis or dildo are: 

File:Wiki-Wiener-auster.png~Woman lying on her back with hips and her legs lifted high or around her partner’s shoulders and his/her hips lifted and angled up to the G-spot. A pillow under the pelvis can help elevate the woman’s nicely hips, too.  

~Woman forward on her knees and hands or elbows, tilting her pelvis forward while her partner tilts their pelvis back and up. 

~Woman facing backwards and lying forward toward her partner’s feet, which pulls her partner’s penis/dildo forward and down, tightly rubbing the vagina. Aim into the G-spot. 

~Partner lies on their back with their legs spread while the woman lowers herself onto the penis/dildo with her legs stretched out and open in front of her. Then she slowly lowers herself back until she’s lying down, too. This gives shallow penetration and is excellent for focusing on G-spot arousal.

~Woman on top straddling her partner, leaning back on her arms and tilting her pelvis up. 

~Woman lying on her side bent forward from the waist with her partner behind her. 

There are also sex toys and dildos with curved tips especially fashioned to stimulate the G-spot. Because it may take some time to induce a G-spot orgasm, these can be particularly helpful. See The Joys of Toys.

Pain from a Large Penis
Vaginal penetration/envelopment with a large penis may be painful to some women. This might be because the penis in question is larger than her vagina can comfortably accommodate, or an angle may be the cause; for example if his penis is aimed so that it’s hitting against her cervix while thrusting.  

woman on top drawingThe simplest solution is for the woman to able to stop any painful contact by being in a position to control the depth and position of penile insertion. Her partner may also need to assist by concentrating on shallower thrusting inside her. This should still provide plenty of pleasure for both parties – after all, the main sensory nerves are involved in intercourse are located the first third of the vagina and the penis. A ←good position for this is the woman on top controlling penetration depth.  

Never force a penis or any other pleasure object into the vagina if it causes pain.

Wanting a Larger Penis
For the most part people do not desire a larger penis from their lover. The average penis is more than pleasing when partners learn to work together.

Occasionally, however, one party desires a larger penis size. That’s fine. There are various penile sleeves and extensions available from adult stores and medical outlets – some of them considerably more dependable than others. Talk your interest over with a qualified sex therapist, doctor or experienced sex-aid advisor to find a satisfactory product.  

(See Sexual Dysfunction to learn about a condition called micropenis – an exceptionally small penis).  

Q. I have a small penis. When I’m erect, I’m about 3 1/2 inches, tops. I’m inhibited around women and have a hard time feeling confident enough to initiate sex. Are there ways to improve penile size?  ~Raj

 A. The only way to actually make your penis larger is through surgery. Unfortunately as a method it’s unreliable and doesn’t really add much size; at most, perhaps a half inch. For that, you risk infection, scarring, and loss of sensation or sexual function. Using an artificial penis sleeve or extender is a better option.

Raj, a (not very well kept) secret is that most women don’t consider penis size a priority – at least, not women who know about really good sex. Women are far more interested in your sensitivity to their sexual needs and your understanding of female sexuality. Moving together well, knowing how to touch and arouse her in her erogenous zones, and being emotionally open, means so much more to a woman than whether you have a large penis - believe me! 

Most importantly, don’t let your penis or any part of your body be objectified. You are a unique, beautiful person; you’re not here to live up to an abstract standard of penile size, or any other body-image hype. Free yourself from this concept that is burdening you and start to appreciate and enjoy your fabulous, pleasure-giving penis for the wondrous organ it is.  

 A Common Question about Penile Curves

Q. “My penis curves to the side inside of sticking straight up when I get an erection. Will this affect my partners’ pleasure during intercourse?” ~ Anthony 

A. Probably not, unless the penile curve is extreme. Most men’s penises curve left, right, up or down; it rarely interferes with gratification during intercourse. Keep in mind that women’s vaginal canals are not straight barrels either, but curve upward. Curves are natural to our genitals.  

Men with a condition called Peyronie’s disease can have an exceptionally severe curve. If it interferes with partnering pleasure, they may need to seek a remedy (see Sexual Dysfunction). 

Multiple Partners
There are no secret tricks to having multiple partners, no special techniques. Sex is sex. Multiple partners simply allows for a greater range of sexual activities at once. Some people relish the potential intensification of pleasure - point stimulation this creates; others find it distracting, or lacking in intimacy.  It’s a question of individual choice.


 Damian: “I just don’t get why anyone wouldn’t want multiple partners. It intensifies the whole experience of sex to have different erogenous zones activated by multiple partners at the same time. And it’s tremendously freeing to break out of the old, proprietal one-on-one sex pattern and be an independent sexual agent.”

 Ariel: “I thought group sex would be the hottest thing, man, so I went to a swing club. What I found is that being groped and intimately approached by a bunch of naked strangers is just plain dehumanizing. Whenever I want to think of images to slow down my sex urge, I think of that.”

 Yuiko: “I have a beautiful love triangle that has fulfilled all three of us for many years. We get different things from each other as people and lovers, and when we’re together it adds up to a perfect whole.”                                                   


Vaginal or anal fisting is simply inserting a closed fist into the vagina or anus in the same fashion as you would insert a penis, dildo, or other pleasure toy. You can di it on your own, or partners can fist each other.

First, the vagina or anus must be very relaxed. Then begin very slowly, using lots of lubrication. Be certain that the partner inserting their fist has removed any rings or jewelry beforehand to prevent their partner’s delicate anal or vaginal tissues from being scratched or torn by them.

Stop immediately if any discomfort or bleeding occurs.


File:Milloux.jpg File:00-WNBR Toronto.JPGWe talk a lot about breasts in Body Image and Anatomy, but there’s no doubt they have a niche here, too. Many women, and quite a few men, experience keen sexual feelings in their breasts:

Maya: “I love to wake up to my partners tender suckling. It’s the most sensual, grounding, bonding, and comforting way to start the day”.

 Claude: “There’s a fine line between the kind of pulling suck that arouses and that causes pain. I have to guide my partner to the one and away from the other. Its work but oooohhh ho ho - so worth it!” 

Whitney: “Anything pleasurable happening in my genitals is immediately intensified when my breasts are brought into play.” 

Claire: “I love playful nibbling around my nipples. When they get hard, a wet tongue flicking back and forth between across their erect tips is the bomb.” 

Petra: “Feeling the weight of my whole breasts resting in my lover’s hands is a kind of erotic surrender that I adore. I like gentle squeezing and cupping, and also restrained nipple squeezing and pinching. And I love to hear my breasts admired! That totally excites me!” 

Nor: “I got very turned on to sensation in my breasts after I had my child. Nursing awoke all kinds of nerve-endings and emotions that had been dormant. They translate into erotic feelings with my lover, terribly deep, hungry cravings for touching and sucking. Now it’s a major part of my sexual identity.”

Smells and Tastes
The body’s odors and tastes are front and center during sex, and we need to learn how to tactfully communicate our preferences to our partner.  Some people enjoy the smell and taste of unwashed genitals. Other people are entirely put off by it, and want their partners to wash beforehand.  Some people only want to kiss someone with a very clean mouth, refreshed with mouthwash; others don’t care.  There is no right or wrong about these preferences, only the need for benign communication and complete acceptance and respect for each other’s desires and boundaries. See Sensate Focus and Sensory Awareness for much more about this. 

Erogenous Zones
So far we’ve talked about genital-oral-anal sex, but it’s crucial to remember that the entire body is erotic. Intense pleasure and even orgasms are not necessarily dependent on genital stimulation.  Exploring your body to find hot spots, or erogenous zones, will expand and enrich your capacity for sexual enjoyment. Some special regions to explore: underarms, inner thighs, toes, throat, buttocks, wrists, backs of knees, sacrum, and belly.  

Find any treasures? Keep going. We’ll chat more about this in Sensate Focus and Sensory Awareness. 

After Play
Sex doesn’t end abruptly with an orgasm. Just as you’ve worked your way up to a heightened level of excitement with caresses, movements and expressions of passion, finishing a love-making session entails working your way down.
: “I need my partner to stay inside me for a while and move gently, then not at all, just be with me. I also need my breasts held softly. Without this, I feel incomplete.” 

Micky:Sex isn’t a stop and starts game. It flows through life and how we relate to each other. Sensually and emotionally I’m still partnering with my lover after our orgasms. Sometimes this is the best part.”
Advanced Cooking
The more sexually experienced you become, the more you will realize that sex is a continuum, a flowing combination of all the above elements. As you gain confidence and ease, blending these elements in infinite combinations is comparable to becoming an accomplished chef; with creativity, knowledge, and self-confidence, you can really cook.  

Warning: some lubricants can seriously damage condoms and other forms of latex contraceptives/barriers

Link: Birth Control

If it wasn’t specially made for lubrication during sex, it isn’t safe to use with a condom.

Not safe to use:

  • Baby oil
  • Vaseline
  • Sun-cream
  • Cocoa butter
  • Lipstick/gloss
  • And any oil based preparation

Safe to use:

  • Pasante lube
  • Replens
  • Durex Play
  • Body Silk
  • KY gel
  • Sutherland gel
  • And other water-based preparations
 Photo: "Love in Wiesbaden (colour)" by Jacob Appelbaum - originally posted to Flickr as Love in Wiesbaden
Drawings from Seedfeeder, Wikipedia Commons
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